I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
wow bdsm is so cute
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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