I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
He literally asked permission to hit on me
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
