Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Randomize
