accomplished twins. life is a go
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
