Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
