ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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