You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
where are my eyebrows?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
