guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
