haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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