i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Randomize
