Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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