driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
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