I'm passing your future prison.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
