If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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