i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
