Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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