just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
