Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
