Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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