he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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