i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
