I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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