I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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