I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
are you so shy because you have an std?
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
