I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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