I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
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She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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