even my farts smell like vagina
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
