I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
