I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
