So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
