I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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