i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
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