he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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