oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Randomize
