I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
My vagina is officially offended.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
