I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
