i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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