My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
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