Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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