How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
you had me at cake vodka
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Randomize
