so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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