Please, let me fuck your mom
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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