I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
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