im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
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