I wish I could teleport
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
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