i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
