Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Just invented taco cereal.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Randomize
