I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
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