his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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