i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
