I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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