You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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