I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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