Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I just threw up on my dentist
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize