After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
